The Continuing Story Of R. Kelly Trapped In The Closet

I saw the most fascinating thing this morning. It actually delayed my morning routine.

I watched a few videos on VH-1 before leaving for work. I don't usually watch music videos, but "Hollaback Girl" was on, and I can watch that video for hours on end, even though I have no clue what's going on or even being said. Gwen Stefani is insanely hot in this video. But I digress. Back to me watching VH-1. After "Hollaback Girl" came a new video by R. Kelly.

The video started out like, I imagine, many R. Kelly videos - he's in a chick's bed. (Granted, I have not seen many videos by R. Kelly, and the ones I have seen, I can't discuss - but they do have a similar opening sequence.) But then the lyrics begin, and a drama unfolds.

7 o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me
I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning darling” from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me and to my surprise she isn’t you

Something tells me this has happened to R. before. But I'm intrigued. Continue, R.

Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys trying to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this way”
Looked at her like she was crazy
Said “woman move out my way”
I Said “I got a wife at home”
She said “please don’t go out there”
“Lady I’ve got to get home”
She said her husband was coming from the stairs

Okay. At this point, I'm hooked. Clearly, some shit is gonna go down.

“Shh, shh quiet, hurry up and get in the closet”
She said “don’t you make a sound or some shit is going down.”

I told you!!!!

Okay. Have I piqued your interest? If not, I don't care. At this point, I was glued to the television. There was no way I was going to move.

Stop what you're doing right now and watch the video for "Trapped In The Closet (Ch. 1)". Then come back and read the rest of this. It won't make sense otherwise. You can watch in Windows Media or QuickTime (click on the link on his website).

So I watch the rest of the video. I am fascinated, for a myriad of reasons, none worth sharing, but I will anyway.

1) Could this song/video combination get any more literal? Every single word describes exactly what is going on. No vague imagery here. When he sings "Shh, shh, quiet," she's literally saying the words and making the shh sound! I love it!

2) 1:45 - 1:48 Doesn't she look like Jamie Foxx with a wig on?

3) 1:52 R. Kelly rhymes "window" with "5th Flo." Awesome. Plus, it's well-timed comedy in this dramatic piece. More on this later.

4) 1:58 "Quick, put me in the closet." Damn, R. How many times have you been in this situation? Don't you know that the closet is the first place he's going to look? Unless he's completely retarded?

5) 2:01 Holy shit, it was a wig!!! But now she looks like Regina King, not Jamie Foxx. This actress is versatile.

6) 2:23 Why is R. Kelly looking straight into the camera, breaking the fourth wall? Because, after all, in the last lyric, he said, "I'm telling you now, this girl is so good she deserves an Oscar." See? He's telling us. This is how we know he's telling us. He's looking at us. I wonder why the director didn't use the take of him literally telling us "this girl is so good, she deserves an Oscar." Maybe they couldn't get an Oscar for him to hold up.

7) 2:35 "But things get deeper as the story goes on." You're so clever, R.! I thought you meant "deeper" as in....well, nevermind.

8) 2:40 See my first comment on DWS' post. This is why you keep it on vibrate! At least he didn't have a ringtone. (I'm imagining "Thank Heaven For Little Girls." Ba dum bum.)

9) 2:58 "And I said 'Please, God, don't let this man open this closet.'" Good one. Notice at no point has R. said, "Please, God, grant me the strength not to cheat again because I love my wife and want to be faithful from now on to none other than her." Actually, other than one small mention in the beginning, his wife isn't more than a passing thought. Men rock!

10) 3:00 How about that! He didn't look in the closet first! Nope, first he goes and looks in the bathroom. Damn, dude, didn't you hear the phone coming from the closet? He checks under the bed. Okay, that makes sense. But where does he look next? The dresser. I thought my eyes were fooling me - except for the fact that, see point #1, R. actually mentions him checking the dresser in the lyrics. R.KELLY IS NOT IN THE DRESSER, DUDE! What, was he just looking for the cell phone? Did he maybe think that the whole mystery was that she lost her cell phone??

11) 3:24 So that's the way out of this situation? You're going to shoot him? What am I missing here?

12) 3:30-End of Video - do you ever get the feeling that maybe, at this point, he's going to the closet?

-FIN-

Now, despite my endless mocking of this video, I loved all three minutes and forty seconds of it. I think I found it more unintentionally funny than perhaps R. Kelly would have liked, but no matter. I'm fascinated.

So of course, the minute I got to work, I looked up R.'s website. Sure enough, there it is, "Trapped In The Closet," described as an "Urban Operetta."

After I stopped giggling, I looked up operetta on Wiki:

Operetta is often considered less "serious" than opera, although this has more to do with the generally comic plots than with the caliber of the music.

Can't argue with that! But here's the best part, as surely you have already been made aware: this is merely the first part in a five-part urban operetta!

The second video ("Trapped In The Closet (Ch. 2)," natch) is also available on the website (only in QuickTime). I highly recommend you watch it. It has a few lines/plot points that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I don't want to spoil the video so I'll put these up in white, just highlight over to see them:

BEGIN SPOILER
1) Why does he care so much about her cheating when he's gay?

2) What about the fact that he's a pastor AND HE'S CHEATING?

3) What about the fact that he's a pastor AND HE'S GAY?

4) Did anybody else snarf their soda when R. asked if they could handle things "Christian-like?"

END SPOILER

I don't know if R. will post "Trapped In The Closet (Ch 3-5)" on his website. Seeing as how the full urban operetta will be available on DVD with his new album (dropping this Tuesday, y'all), I doubt it. I guess I will have to download buy it when it, uh...drops.

I'm a little disturbed with how much I enjoyed this video.